If You’re In an On-Again, Off-Again Relationship, This Article Is For You

by Isabella Gomez

Last week, rumors flew when Miley Cyrus wiped out all her Instagram posts-including the ones of her boo Liam Hemsworth. Entertainment sites rushed to cover whether or not the pair had split up, and although Liam quickly confirmed that they’re very much together in a cute Instagram video, the whole fiasco sparked our curiosity about on-and-off relationships. It’s easy for us to become heavily invested in the coupling and conscious uncoupling of celebrities, sometimes even romanticizing the back and forth aspect of

“Being on-and-off repeatedly with a partner may indicate that issues exist that are unresolvable,” says Laurel Steinberg, PhD, New York-based clinical sexologist and relationship therapist. “If the couple finds that the same issues arise repeatedly, such as the fact that a partner doesn’t want to convert to the other’s religion, for example, it may be time to end the relationship for good if that conversion is crucial in order to have a future together. Twisting someone’s arm to do things your way ultimately won’t last, and is disrespectful.”

If you’re in the midst of a situationship right now, you may be asking yourself what you need to do to move on and let go. We decided to take up the question with the realest and chillest folks we know: our readers. I posted a callout on our Instagram stories for anyone willing to share their experiences and was reminded yet again that we have the dopest community of all time. In case your mom and best friend’s advice is wearing you down, take it from people who have been in your shoes: this is how our readers decided it was time to end their on-again, off-again relationships, once and for all.

Don’t Give Into Fear or Pressure

One of the most recurring themes we saw was that people were choosing to stay in a relationship that wasn’t working because they were scared of the alternative. Tara, 27, explained that she and her partner called it quits because they had different versions of what their ideal relationship looked like, but then changed their minds for the wrong reasons. “We would get back together because, at that point, we believed that it would be easier just to be together than to go and start over with someone else,” she says. “I was living at home at the time and everyone was getting engaged-to keep up with that stigma, we just kept [the relationship] going.” Ultimately, Tara said she allowed herself to get stuck in a toxic situation for far longer than she should have.

Sydney, 25, went through a similar situation. She spent seven years with her boyfriend, including a seven-month engagement, but the more he pressured her to get married -which she wasn’t ready for-the further away they grew from one another. “I learned so much from all of this. Most recently, it is vital to self-preservation, to be honest with yourself and know when it’s not feeling right; it’s okay to leave,” says Sydney. “It doesn’t matter who you think you will disappoint or hurt because ultimately it is your life and you have to make yourself happy.”

Communicate Upfront About What You Want

According to Dr. Steinberg, communication is key to figuring out whether or not the relationship is a good match. “Break up with the idea of being an on-and-off couple,” she says. “Outline the issues that cause you to break up and commit to either working through them once and for all or to deciding to say goodbye.”

Candace, 21, told us that she and her boyfriend were looking for completely different futures. While he saw himself settling down to get married, have kids, and buy a house, she knew her goals included living by herself and becoming a dog mama. Their age difference of a couple of years heightened their differences. “I decided to break it off the final time because it gets to a point where you’re no longer fighting for each other, you’re just fighting,” says Candace. “Once the love disappears from behind the words in a fight, things get monotonous and hurtful. We came from very different worlds and ultimately, neither of us were willing to compromise.”