OKCupid Profile Analysis: “You are the 99%” Part 2 – My Ex-Fiancee

Remember that one time you finally decided to date that person you’d known for six years but never taken seriously because they made too many bodily function jokes? It seemed like a good idea at the time. You were both on the rebound, looking for something familiar and comfortable to ease the pain. And it worked. So much so that you decided to get engaged three months later. Because, why not? And after six months of flying back and forth – because you were, of course, dating long distance – you finally moved in together. And it was everything you had hoped for, minus all the things you had hoped for. Remember all that? No? Because I do.

A week later, I joined OKCupid for the second time. That week, I got an email from the site telling me about my kissbrides.com source hyperlink new matches. And, of course, there she was, right at the top, smiling at me, her username an in-joke that we had developed while watching countless LA Lakers games together. And, sure enough, we matched 99%.

Thanks to some well-timed screen captures, I still have her OKCupid profile. Thanks to my friend’s home-brewed hefeweizen, I’ve also got the chutzpah to analyze said profile. User basics: Female, 26, Sagittarius, has two cats, fake redhead, agnostic, username originated from NBA star Pau Gasol and his humorous facial expressions

First impression: Cute and silly. A girl who wears sunglasses. A girl who likes teal. A girl I would most certainly write.

And then, nearing the one year anniversary of your living together, you popped a Xanax, packed your boxes, and waited for that person to come home from work so you could announce that you were leaving, and there was nothing to be done that could possibly save your broken relationship

Enough about me, let’s talk about all the morons on this site: (My Self-Summary) “Here is what I’ve learned so far from this site: An incredible number of dudes describe themselves as «funny” and/or “easygoing.” // If you have to tell people that you have a great sense of humor, you probably don’t. Sorry. I have never, ever, heard an actually funny person exposit that they are funny. Why would they need to? // As for “easygoing,” what does that even mean? Does it mean you’re relaxed? Patient? Does it mean you’re lacking in drive or passion? Maybe it means you really love that song from “Follow That Bird” about Big Bird spending a day on a farm with those kids. I don’t know. It seems like such a non-trait. What’s the opposite of easygoing? “Being a ferocious complainer,” I guess. // I am intuitive, communicative, and competitive.“

Analysis: Yes, we are one and the same. You don’t ask someone to marry you if you have nothing in common. But, really, there’s a place for wrecking all the guys who might want to date you, and that place isn’t a dating website. If the first thing you share with potential suitors is how much you don’t like a certain group of people, you might have anger problems or, you know, just be a «ferocious complainer.”

I work in word-of-mouth marketing, and I love my job even though sometimes I never want to hear the phrase «social media” again

I teach companies how to use Twitter: (What I’m doing with my life) “I moved to Chicago from Boston about a year ago. I have been doing improv for 12 years, which is a weird amount of time to have been doing improv before moving to Chicago. What do you do when you get here? I’m still trying to figure that out.“